the competition.

The curtains are pulled back exposing the empty stage. I've never been one for competitions, but I didn't choose to be in this one. Four years ago I never would've imagined standing in the exact spot I'm in now.

There's only one judges seat. As years passed, he was always the only judge. Occasionally a new one would come in and join him, but they would never last very long. A week, maybe a month. Then they would move on. Quickly.

There was always only one other contestant. She'd always won, but here I was, with the same singing and dancing I'd been doing for years. I could sing and dance my way around that judge, but he wasn't interested. Even as I sang and dance, his eyes were on her. He'd glance in my direction every now and then, but would immediately realize she was better and his gaze would wander back to the one I knew he wanted.

He always knew exactly how to let me down. "You were winning at one point, there was something about you, but it stopped. You started losing and I went back to her. I'm sorry."

I'm like the beauty queen who can't accept she's lost. I'm scrambling for that trophy, attempting anything and everything to claw it out of her hands.

But in the end. I lose. I'm still losing.

I lose until I let go. Until I let go of him.

Then...I finally win.

My new passion.

I should probably update this.

It actually feels good to be back in San Marcos. Going home is so complicated. I forgot how much easier it is to live away from my parents than it is to live with them. I'd forgotten about being asked what time I got home and being asked to do the dishes. Those 5 days seemed longer than usual. Georgetown tends to be boring in the first place, but it was weird being there again. It was fun seeing old friends, but we all knew that things weren't the same.

Speaking of friends, my best friends from high school are driving me insane. I have 3 best friends. One of them goes to Texas State with me, and I've known her since the 2nd grade. Another (my BEST best friend) goes to UT in Austin, and the other goes to UNT in Denton and I've known both of them since middle school. Our whole senior year of high school we were in a constant fight about college and how things were going to be different when we left. Well, we were right and I'm once again the friend in the middle of it all.

Guys are confusing. Some are assholes, some are arrogant, and some are actually nice. I've encountered one of each in the past few months. The "asshole" has been a problem for many years, and I'm always in a constant battle to get rid of him. The "arrogant" one was my own fault. I met a guy at a frat party, found him attractive, and went on a date with him. That was my own stupidity. The "actually nice" one is a new development. He's still in high school, which is problem number one, and he's not clear about his feelings.

I'm tired of rambling.

I looked out the window of the library wondering "What am I doing here?" Am I meant for this? I have no idea what I want to do with my life, just a bunch of stolen aspirations I've collected over the years.

I'm only 18. I shouldn't be deciding the rest of my life in this moment. I'm YOUNG. I'm supposed to be experiencing the world, not sitting in this library worrying about the War of 1812 and what the meaning of Fletcher vs. Peck was.

But at the same time, I find education to be important. I don't want to be wasting my parents money here. Society has told me that at the age of 18 I should be attending college, 4 to 5 years later I should be graduating with some pointless degree I chose when I knew nothing about the world, and then I'm supposed to slave away in some tiny office until I'm 65 years old and THEN I'm supposed to explore the world.

Venic could be gone by then.

I want to see Venice.


It's amazing what you can write in the library when you don't want to study for history.

Borat

I don't even know where to start with this movie.

I have honestly never seen an audience at a movie theater react to a movie the way that they did to this one. Half of the movie you couldn't even hear because people were still laughing so hard.

Yes, it was crude.

Yes, it was offensive.

I found it funny though that people were afraid it was more offensive to Jews and people from Kazakhstan, when really, its WAY more offensive towards Americans.

There is one scene in the movie that is just absolutely disgusting, but at the same time hilarious. There is no way that you can't laugh at it, no matter how disgusted you are. People in the theater were SCREAMING with laughter for the full probably 5 minutes of this scene. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It's one of those things that you wish you could look away from, but you have to keep looking back because it's so unbelievable.

A friend of mine saw it in San Marcos and said that people actually got up and left the theater because of this scene.

I think this is just one of those movies you have to see to believe. I tried to explain it to my mom and she just thought I was insane.

I can't believe Rick Perry won again.

Although, I'm quite glad Kinky will go away now.

I always have secret aspirations. I say they're secret, but really when I find these aspirations, I like to tell people about them.

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be...a teacher.
Problems with Amy being a teacher:
1. She doesn't want to be one.

So that eliminates teaching.

Then I wanted to be...Luke Skywalker.
Problems with Amy being Luke Skywalker:
1. I am a girl. Luke Skywalker is just girly.
2. Luke Skywalker does not exist and I don't want to be Mark Hammill.
and 3. The only reason I wanted to be Luke Skywalker was because of the lightsaber, and those don't exist.

So that eliminates Luke Skywalker.

Last fall, I wanted to be...a football player.
Problems with Amy being a football player:
1. I'm a girl.
2. Not only am I a girl, but I'm a skinny, tall, scrawny girl.
3. That, and I've never been athletic.
and 4. I can barely play football on video games.

So that eliminates football player.

Then Olympics season came around and I wanted to be...A snowboarder.
Problems with Amy being a snowboarder:
1. I've never snowboarded.
2. I've only been skiing, and I sucked at it.
3. I live in TEXAS.
4. I can barely snowboard on video games.

So that eliminated snowboarding.

Then I visited Mississippi and watched Invisible Children and I wanted to be...A missionary.

This one is actually still possible.

Then the FIFA World Cup became my new obsession and I wanted to be...An England soccer player.
Problems with Amy being an England Soccer Player:
1. I'm not from England.
2. I don't play soccer.
3. I'm a girl, and the FIFA World Cup is all male.
and 4. I'm actually kind of good at soccer on video games.

Which pretty much knocks out England Soccer Player.

Now my friend Sara and I have decided to make a video of our "travel show" in order to send it to The Travel Channel so they will pay us to travel the world.
Sound possible?
Don't ruin our fun. ; )

So the past week has been quite eventful. I thought about going home this past weekend until I realized that it was "Halloween weekend" and decided not to. I went and stayed at my best friend's, Kelly, apartment in Austin on Friday night and "watched" The Grudge. Watched is in quotes because I don't do well with scary movies which forced me to cover my face with a pillow the whole movie.

Then on Saturday, Kelly and her roommate, Kelsey, gave Angie and I a tour of the UT campus. It's gorgeous, but too big, and I like Texas State better. We laid in the middle of what they call "The Six Pack" (basically The Quad) for a couple of hours and watched some unfortunate frat boys parade by in women's dresses.

Then while waiting for the bus, my friend Amanda called me begging me to go to a Halloween party with her that night. I came very close to telling her no because I needed to work on history. Then I realized what I was about to say and decided that I needed to have some fun, so I told her I'd go.

Amanda dressed up as a mechanic, which confused a lot of people. One person actually asked if she was a "biker bitch". Angie went as a baseball player, and I went as a soccer player. I wish I'd had more time to be clever with my costume, but oh well.

I, surprisingly, met a lot of cool people at the party, which made me pretty happy.

This week is definitely turning around. My classes are sucking, but life is being pretty nice to me right now. :D